I attended a seminar
last Friday night with my husband that was purposed in motivating and inspiring
all of the attendees to "Be More". While there, a lady by the
name of *Angel introduced herself and asked my name and how I heard about the
conference. I turned to her, shook her hand and said, "I'm Sophia and I
found out about the conference and the speaker through Facebook".
If this had been two or three years ago, I would've frozen up, had sweaty palms and could have just died in my seat at the thought of her speaking to me. Yes, I suffered from social anxiety. Most people wouldn't believe this, as I've come such a long way, but being in social settings (particularly where I didn't know a lot of people) was really a huge source of stress for me. I would sit in the back or areas where people wouldn't notice me. There's no feeling like your heart pounding so hard that it seems it will jump right out of your chest, and feeling so uneasy that at any moment you could pass out. Yep. That WAS me.
If this had been two or three years ago, I would've frozen up, had sweaty palms and could have just died in my seat at the thought of her speaking to me. Yes, I suffered from social anxiety. Most people wouldn't believe this, as I've come such a long way, but being in social settings (particularly where I didn't know a lot of people) was really a huge source of stress for me. I would sit in the back or areas where people wouldn't notice me. There's no feeling like your heart pounding so hard that it seems it will jump right out of your chest, and feeling so uneasy that at any moment you could pass out. Yep. That WAS me.
Though I did speak to Angel, I wasn’t
completely myself. I hadn’t noticed this
until my husband later asked me about it.
In a casual way he asked, “Why do you change your voice like that and
speak differently when you meet people?”
It was such a simple question, but I had no words for him to express WHY
I did that. So after a day or so of
praying and thinking about it, the Holy Spirit showed me the root.
Since childhood, I've always had people speaking death to and over me. "You're too light skinned, you're too skinny, you're too tall, you're too short, your feet, hands and nose are too big, your hair is too nappy", the list goes on and on. I was called Frosty the Snowman or Cornflake because I had a bad dandruff problem. Pizza face was another name since acne in my adolescent and teenage years took its toll on me. Then there were the comparisons "You're not as pretty as...", "You're not as great of a dancer as...", "You don't have that great of a personality as...", and that list continues. I was thrown insults such as "white honkey" to being called the literal "white sheep of the family" as everyone else had their fair share of melanin where I seemed to be lacking. I was told that I didn't have an ounce of common sense and that with all the book smarts that I did have, I would always be poor since I didn't have the common sense to execute it. All those words and actions from others about me weighed on me and I created this inferiority complex. I took those things that people said about me and believed them as FACTS.
Whenever I would meet someone new, I would instantly start comparing them to myself and write myself off as not being "good enough" for them because they were prettier, richer, smarter, or of what I perceived was a more "superior ethnic background". Because of this inferiority complex, I would "dumb myself down" so that I could satisfy my own need to feel unworthy of meeting or befriending individuals that I thought were better than me. You might ask, "why would anyone do that?” Well a large part of it was because I didn't know who I was. When you lack a blueprint or idea of who you are, it is a lot easier to believe what others say about you.
I had to get to a point where I had to go the Word to find my identity, because I truly did not know who I was. 1 Corinthians 1:22 tells me that "He has identified us as His own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts..." So as a Christian when I accepted Jesus into my life, Christ placed his stamp or seal on me. Through that seal, He counts me as His OWN and He is the King of all kings. So if He is the King, and I am His daughter/CHILD (John 1:12), then through Him I am ROYALTY(Galatians 4:7). Through Christ, I am WISE, RIGHTEOUS, SANCTIFIED and REDEEMED (1 Corinthians 1:30). Forget your "common sense", I'll take Christ-sense (wisdom) any day! I also learned "that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a NEW person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (2 Corinthians 5:17). This means that the Sophia that was defined by all those people, my own thoughts, accomplishments and/or failures was dead. I no longer identify with that. I am a new being. I know that God LOVES me and He CHOSE me (1 Thessalonians 1:4). Who cares if others don't choose me or qualify me as being worthy? God has counted me WORTHY! That is something to shout about! We have been made fully COMPLETE in Him (Colossians 2:10) so EVERYTHING else is under the blood! No more feeling worthless, unpretty, not smart enough or inferior-- my identity no longer lies in those things. I am not defined by the opinions of others, my successes or failures, my feelings or circumstances or by the things that I own. My identity is in Christ and in Christ alone. What an honor to be called a child of God and to know that my identity forever lies in HIM.
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Since childhood, I've always had people speaking death to and over me. "You're too light skinned, you're too skinny, you're too tall, you're too short, your feet, hands and nose are too big, your hair is too nappy", the list goes on and on. I was called Frosty the Snowman or Cornflake because I had a bad dandruff problem. Pizza face was another name since acne in my adolescent and teenage years took its toll on me. Then there were the comparisons "You're not as pretty as...", "You're not as great of a dancer as...", "You don't have that great of a personality as...", and that list continues. I was thrown insults such as "white honkey" to being called the literal "white sheep of the family" as everyone else had their fair share of melanin where I seemed to be lacking. I was told that I didn't have an ounce of common sense and that with all the book smarts that I did have, I would always be poor since I didn't have the common sense to execute it. All those words and actions from others about me weighed on me and I created this inferiority complex. I took those things that people said about me and believed them as FACTS.
Whenever I would meet someone new, I would instantly start comparing them to myself and write myself off as not being "good enough" for them because they were prettier, richer, smarter, or of what I perceived was a more "superior ethnic background". Because of this inferiority complex, I would "dumb myself down" so that I could satisfy my own need to feel unworthy of meeting or befriending individuals that I thought were better than me. You might ask, "why would anyone do that?” Well a large part of it was because I didn't know who I was. When you lack a blueprint or idea of who you are, it is a lot easier to believe what others say about you.
I had to get to a point where I had to go the Word to find my identity, because I truly did not know who I was. 1 Corinthians 1:22 tells me that "He has identified us as His own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts..." So as a Christian when I accepted Jesus into my life, Christ placed his stamp or seal on me. Through that seal, He counts me as His OWN and He is the King of all kings. So if He is the King, and I am His daughter/CHILD (John 1:12), then through Him I am ROYALTY(Galatians 4:7). Through Christ, I am WISE, RIGHTEOUS, SANCTIFIED and REDEEMED (1 Corinthians 1:30). Forget your "common sense", I'll take Christ-sense (wisdom) any day! I also learned "that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a NEW person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" (2 Corinthians 5:17). This means that the Sophia that was defined by all those people, my own thoughts, accomplishments and/or failures was dead. I no longer identify with that. I am a new being. I know that God LOVES me and He CHOSE me (1 Thessalonians 1:4). Who cares if others don't choose me or qualify me as being worthy? God has counted me WORTHY! That is something to shout about! We have been made fully COMPLETE in Him (Colossians 2:10) so EVERYTHING else is under the blood! No more feeling worthless, unpretty, not smart enough or inferior-- my identity no longer lies in those things. I am not defined by the opinions of others, my successes or failures, my feelings or circumstances or by the things that I own. My identity is in Christ and in Christ alone. What an honor to be called a child of God and to know that my identity forever lies in HIM.
